"What? What's the matter with you guys? I'm gonna be fine. Come on. I'm a little cold, but it doesn't hurt anymore..."
The last face he saw was that of his son. As the world faded to nothing but blackness, his hand
released Virgil's from its grasp.
* * *
He was not conscious of the moment his eyes opened. All he knew was that he was surrounded by whiteness. There were no shapes, no shadows, nothing but impenetrable white.
"Hello? Is anybody there? Where am I?"
"Joxer."
He felt he should have jumped at the sound of the disembodied voice coming out of nowhere, yet he didn't. It was like none he'd ever heard. He didn't know to whom it belonged; he couldn't even tell whether it was a man or a woman who spoke. He tried to turn around, searching for the voice's owner, but all he saw was more whiteness. It was extremely disorienting. He didn't even know whether he'd actually turned around.
"Who are you?"
"I am your guide."
"Where am I? What am I doing here?"
"You died, Joxer."
"No, that's not right. This isn't Tartarus, and you definitely aren't Hades."
"You followed the teachings of Eli, Joxer. You are no longer Hades' responsibility. It is my job to guide you to your destiny, whatever that may be."
"Okay, I'm definitely dreaming. I don't care who your are; if you're supposed to be my guide, then you should know what's going to happen to me."
"Only you can decide your destiny, Joxer. I am but your guide."
"Oh, right, oh great guiding one. What do you expect me to do?"
"Just watch what I am about to show you."
Impossibly, the whiteness seemed to dissipate, forming a sort of hole before him. The whole widened and to his disbelief, an image appeared to him: an image that was all too familiar.
In a small, drab room, a young brown-haired boy lay face-down on a bed, crying into his arms.
"Tell me what you see, Joxer."
"That's me."
"What happened?"
"It could have been one of many things, but whatever it was got Dad mad. He would beat me whenever he wasn't pleased with me."
"Did your brothers share in these punishments?"
"At first, we were all punished. Eventually, Jett managed to become Dad's favourite and was spared. It never really stopped for Jace and me, though."
"How did you cope with this reaction from your father?"
"I never let him know I hurt. I pushed it all deep inside me, never letting anyone know how I felt."
"And your brothers?"
"Jett learnt and became Dad's favourite. Jace, well he eventually left home."
"Why didn't you leave with him?"
"Because that was the coward's way out. And Mom needed me."
"But the beatings continued."
"Yes, and they got worse too."
"Then it was your fault."
"What?!"
"You could have left, but you didn't. It was your fault."
Joxer was speechless. The voice had managed to grab hold of a very raw nerve. He'd thought that very thought many times, yet had never voiced it. As he struggled to find his voice, the scene in the strange hole shifted.
Before him was another familiar image. A smiling Joxer, in full armour, walked into a bar, only to be tormented by the patrons. He left, head hanging in shame.
"What happened here, Joxer?"
"They laughed at me, told me I was a fool, a loser."
"Why do you think they treated you that way?"
"Because I looked different from they did."
"Did you choose the way you looked?"
"Of course! I made that armour myself!"
"Then their actions are your responsibility. Had you dressed like the others, then they would not have treated you thus. It was your fault."
Joxer fought the sadness that threatened to overtake him. Once again, the voice had hit upon a raw nerve, voicing thoughts that until now had only resided in the depths of Joxer's subconscious. Once again, the image shifted to another familiar scene.
Joxer was standing with Gabrielle in a dark temple. She had just turned from having barricaded the door to have him hold onto her arms, stopping her from passing him and joining Xena in the next room. He said he loved her.
"You loved her very much, didn't you."
"Yes," he whispered.
"Why did you wait so long to tell her?"
"I don't know. I was scared. I was afraid she'd hate me, that I'd be destroyed by her rejection, but I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I couldn't keep lying to her or to myself. I had to tell her."
"But she didn't feel the same."
"No, she didn't."
"Then none of it was worth it. All that time and energy spent on a worthless cause."
"Now wait a minute! I've had enough of this. Stop this right now!"
"I cannot do that, Joxer. But relax. There is only one more left."
For the last time, the image changed. There, in the dirt, laid an ancient-looking Joxer, his stomach red with blood. Xena and Gabrielle knelt at his side as Virgil held onto his hand. He was dying.
"I don't want to see this!"
"This is your death, Joxer."
"I know that. That's why I don't want to see it."
"You died to save her, didn't you Joxer."
"Yes."
"And in doing so, you deprived your wife of a husband, and your children of a father."
"I know," he whispered.
"You deprived those who loved you of someone they cared for deeply to save one who never loved you."
"No! Yes. I don't know!"
"Was it worth it?"
"I don't know! I don't know. It had to be, it just had to. They'll live on without me. I was the only one who got hurt and they're all fine. It had to be worth it."
As his words echoed in the nothingness, the whiteness enveloped the hole, making it a part of the whiteness that surrounded him. Once again, he knew of nothing but his own existence.
All of a sudden, a form began to take shape. Like the voice, its owner gave no outward sign as to its identity, not even a sense of gender.
"With all we have seen, with all I've shown you, I ask but one thing of you, Joxer. Justify your life."
Joxer couldn't believe he was in a situation like this. Justify his life? How could anyone do that? Well, of course someone like Hercules or Xena or Gabrielle and Iolaus could justify their lives easily, but Joxer...
"I am awaiting your response, Joxer."
He took a deep breath, finally deciding to say what was in his heart.
"I'd like to think that I had tried to have a very full life
I've known of many loves, daughters and sons, and a loving wife
My dreams never came true though I did try each and every day
But more, much more than this, I did it my way."
While the figure remained shaded in mystery, somehow a smile appeared on what must have been its face.
"Very good, Joxer. You have learned many lessons in life, and with every failure came another lesson learned. Most importantly, despite all those failures, you never gave up hope."
All of a sudden, the whiteness became endless blue, as if he were suspended in the sky. He heard rustling above him and turned to see two winged people flying towards him.
"What's happening?"
"You have passed my judgement, Joxer, and now my angels will carry you on to Paradise."
"Is this like when Xena and Gabby died?"
"Yes, and no. They were not meant to die at that time, and thus their experience was different than yours. This was your time, and you will remain with us until such time as you are needed once again among men."
Joxer turned back to the mysterious figure. He had been made to relive many difficult memories, yet he felt no anger, only gratitude.
"Thank you."
"There is no need to thank me, Joxer. I could do no less for any of my children."
Joxer watched as the figure disappeared. He felt a gentle tugging on his arms and realized the angels were pulling him away. As they went on to their destination, a strange sensation grew within him, growing stronger the closer they were to wherever this Paradise was.
He felt like he was going home.
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